Sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Disrupted sleep can be so exhausting for everyone in the household.

It is also really important for our health and well-being to get enough sleep.

Bed-time can feel very frightening for children who have lived through frightening experiences. We are most vulnerable when we are in the dark and alone; most of us would feel nervous about walking down a dark street alone, so we can all understand that anxiety and what it feels like to the children we care for to find themselves alone in the dark.

Sleep can feel like abandonment to children who have felt abandoned or have been separated from caregivers through circumstances (e.g. hospitalisation).

Sleep can also feel womb-like which if children have experienced gestational trauma can also be triggering.

When your child finds sleep tricky s/he will need to feel safety, relaxation and an increased sense of relationship with their caregivers to re-experience calm sleep. The more often s/he feels the safety, relaxation and unconditional love of your relationship the more quickly s/he will be able to settle and self-soothe. You will probably find that at times when you’re busy s/he will exhibit more dysregulation, and more disrupted sleep, and that’s no coincidence. Reconnect deeply with him/her (spend quality time with your child) and re-establish the consistent routine and all should be well.

Limit food and drink before bed and ensure they go to the toilet shortly before bed. Make sure bedtime stories aren’t scary; many children’s books have upsetting themes, so be cautious about what you read in the half hour before bed.

Children often have a huge amount of energy and can appear to be often in fight/flight and hyper-vigilant, not fully relaxed. To aid them at bedtime you could try a few things and find out what works for your child.

For an increased sense of safety:  

• Keep a nightlight on in his/her room to help the overactive imagination soothe.
• A really consistent routine in the hour before bed, as tedious as that can be for you.
• Stay with him/her until s/he is asleep, or sit just outside the door (with the door ajar so s/he can see you) and read a book.
• Repeatedly tell her him/her that s/he is safe.
• Give him/her something of yours (low value, so there’s no concern if it gets broken) to put under his/her pillow as a transitional object – a t-shirt or jumper that you’ve worn and not washed (so that it smells of you) can be really soothing.
• ALL their favourite soft toys on or near the bed, even if it look like there’s not enough room for your child!
• Fluffy socks – cold feet often feel unsafe.

For an increased sense of relaxation: 

• An arm and hand massage with a lavender scented oil (an arm and hand massage can often be tolerated where a whole body massage can makes one feel vulnerable and can be triggering).
• A bubble bath (not too hot), with soft, warm towels and warm pyjamas for afterwards.
• Yoga stretches.
• Breath-work, inhale peaceful thoughts and exhale worries (long deep breaths).
• Calming music.
• Limit screen time in the hour before bed.
• Meditation – try The Relax Kids books, which are beautiful short meditation style stories suitable for boys and girls, or an online/CD of meditations for children (always download and listen all the way through first, just to be sure its suitable).
• Mindfulness colouring.

For an increased sense of relationship (which increases feelings of safety): 

• Reading a book together / playing a card or board game together before bed, but leave plenty of time to calm down afterwards before bedtime.
• The massage/meditation/yoga/breath work to be done with you.
• Consistent routine, even when you’re busy or away on holiday try to keep everything as consistent as possible.
• Transitional object / physical presence inside/outside his/her bedroom.

I hope that some of these strategies give you calmer, loving bedtimes and peaceful sleep. Sleep well.