Tricky Teenagers:

Teenagers can be tricky. I know, I have three of them.

Teenagers are amazing, they are growing up, learning to be independent and therefore beginning to make decisions, take chances and acquire life-skills.

As they learn to be independent they start to rely on the advice and opinion of their peers, rather than the good-sense and life-experience of us, their parents… and they start to use the eye roll excessively! As parents it can be so frustrating to see the mistakes our children make. If only they would listen to us. But just as baby birds need to learn to catch flies and worms before they’re ready to fully fledge, our children need to learn to make decisions before they are ready for adulthood. And that takes trial and error.

At the same time, hormones are coursing through their bodies and changing the way they speak as their voices change. These hormones change the way they look, feel and relate to others. These hormones change their responses and reactions so that they may get cross quicker, get upset quicker and seem to be in a semi-permanent strop. Try not to tell them off for over-reacting, they can’t help it with all those hormones coursing through them. Have compassion. Instead try, ‘I can see you’re having a tough time, and I’m sorry things are difficult. I love you and I’m here if you want me. Do you want a hug?’ Sometimes they will want that hug, sometimes they won’t – don’t feel rejected, instead feel proud that you have raised a teenager who can make that decision for themselves.

On top of this they have more responsibility at school, more testing, endless homework and revision, more is expected of them and the pressure and stress is ramped up. They start to think about their next steps, what career they might want or be able to aim for, what will happen after school, will they get the grades; will they be good enough?

As if all of this wasn’t enough, the brain starts to prune the bits it doesn’t need. The brain literally changes its structure – it’s not painful, but it can be confusing. Teach them a few relaxation techniques, some deep breathing works wonders, yoga or jogging can be really helpful, or even get them jumping on a trampoline.

Teenagers can be tricky, but they won’t always be teenagers, they will grow up. Meanwhile they still need you, they need you as much as they always have. But now, they also need a bit of privacy, a bit of space and the permission to make a few mistakes along the way, knowing that you will always love them. They still need to hear your advice as short sound-bites, but not as lectures.

Teenagers can be tricky but they still need to hear, ‘You’re amazing, I love you’, every single day, especially when they’re being tricky. Research has shown that teenagers more often interpret a still, resting face as hostile, so remember to smile at them. They need you to relax, to not react to their stress, their hormones, their fears, their attempts at independence. They need your unconditional love and reassurance and the safety of coming home.

Teenagers can be tricky but we can make it a bit easier, a bit safer and a bit more fun. Your teenager will still enjoy and still need to play. We all need to play. Try a card game, a kick-about or a bake-off. Try a kitchen disco or even watch a comedy together. Try yoga or an exercise class together (there are many free yoga and exercise classes online). Remember to laugh with them, not at them.

It’s tricky being a teenager. We can make it a bit easier, a bit safer, a bit more respectful and a bit more fun. Try to enjoy your teenager and be proud of your amazing young person. They may be your greatest challenge and your greatest success, take time to enjoy the ride!